Months ago (5 to be exact) I went into labor 3 weeks early, which for me is full-term. We had no clue some special terms would be given to him. There was no prenatal warning, nor to be honest would I have wanted one. In fact, our doctors in Barbados said he is so active, for sure has nothing wrong with him medically. Then, our doctor in the states said he saw no signs of anything since he doesn't have the traditional foot gap most DS kids have.
A few hours after checking in at the hospital under COVID measures, (no guests allowed and masks donned- sorry, I hate masks, I really do get headaches after wearing them. And so trying to labor is hard enough and then add a mask on that keeps slipping off.) Anyways, he came super fast and they whisked him away and the nurses keep whispering and all was so quiet. We kept asking if he was okay and no one would really answer. I finally asked if I could hold him, and when they laid him on my chest, and I saw his different shaped ears and his almond eyes....I knew.
I was terrified, worried for the future, scared of the unknown. I leaned over to Brice and said, "He doesn't look just like us or like our others. Something's wrong." Brice patted my hand, said it's fine, he's fine. He's always a rock and from day one was in love with our newest little guy. But I looked up to the doctor and nurses and said what I didn't want to know, "He has Down syndrome, doesn't he?" And they said.....we think so. That's it, nothing else was said and they asked if they could take him to run some tests. And I knew then without further tests, he did. I just didn't know at the time that DS can bring so much joy, laughter, and add so much more to all our lives than I ever imagined or prayed for. At that moment, I just wanted a healthy baby that I knew how to raise and nothing to be different. I wanted safe and not to be stretched and I am so very thankful we have a God who wants more than that for me and all of us.
I have always wanted a big family and babies! Obviously we love them (we have 6!). Brice kept agreeing but after 5 he was ready to be done, but agreed we could have one more to even up the JV with our Varsity. He loves our kids, but he looks forward to the days when they are raised and he and I can travel and do post-kid things too. I can't believe in those first few moments of Rusk's birth, I thought....what have I done, I should have stopped at 5. Now, we will always have him with us and never have time for ourselves. I'd give anything now to go back and yell or whisper to my just given birth, high hormonal body that lay sobbing on the hospital bed that life with Rusk added in was going to be amazing and not to be scared. I hope to one day be able to help in educating hospital staff how to sweetly congratulate a parent that her child has been given a new baby, instead of scaring them and saying nothing. Because that is what he was - a brand new baby to be celebrated.
The hospital was small - ran several tests and told us his heart was enlarged and he needed to be sent to a bigger hospital for more tests. So within a few hours of a new world, he was taken by ambulance to another hospital and they discharged me early to go be with him. Barely walking and my eyes so swollen they couldn't even open up a slit, we left there. Honestly, those first 24 hours all I remember is sobbing, choking, wailing, praying. I recall someone mentioning my faith was weak at that point and honestly all I remember was feeling God's arms around me and crying out to him. We could not have went through everything without the Lord in our lives is all I know.
After that each appointment and each Doctor's visit there were and are so many high's and low's. In fact, we think that will be a given from now on. We were told his heart was enlarged, and after several echo's and cardiologists, he has a hole but it can be addressed later. News came of him having another disorder, but those tests came back falsely positive. Then, we were told he was blind, to later discover they were cataracts. Surgery removed them and he can see so well now! And then just this past week, he failed hearing in the right ear and after more extensive tests, he can hear fine. Whew, being thrown in the ringer or stampeded on by bulls is what some days feel like for sure.
I am not just saying this - if you don't know anyone in your life with DS - find someone. I didn't. And man, was I missing out. Our little guy is still just a teeny thirteen pounds, but his smiles are pure heaven. DS kids tend to have low muscle tone and be floppy, so he just is super scrunchy and contented and loves to be cuddled. Ask me and you can get some of those cuddles, for sure! And I can tell you way more facts and lovable things about him too. I didn't have anyone in my life with DS before this year really and I can't believe how much I missed out. We now have newer friends in our lives with DS that are older than Rusk, and it's been a blessing to see their excitement and sweetness and also extreme stubbornness:) We have so much to look forward to in years to come. In fact, another dream is to add another little DS buddy to our family through adoption, but that's another story and maybe another husband since mine is on kid overload.
Now, I look at our gift and think I will miss so much if he ever leaves us...
and those almond eyes that opened and scared me so much that first day of life
I am in so much love with...
and I am so very thankful God made him just the way He is
and while I want to protect him from ugly things in this world,
I also want him to meet so many to change the world so everyone can see that
Different is Amazing too!
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